


mac is dating sufjan stevens

by golden_geese



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: Jealousy, M/M, Pining, Post Season 13, dennis? jealous.... mac? happy 2 let dennis maniplate him :/, mac and dennis were banging in s5, n we all know it, sufjan stevens isnt rlly a character in this dont worry that would be Weird
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-06
Updated: 2019-01-06
Packaged: 2019-10-05 03:59:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,672
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17317673
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/golden_geese/pseuds/golden_geese
Summary: mac has a new boyfriend. dennis isn't taking it well.





	mac is dating sufjan stevens

2pm  
A Thursday

“Ayyy--o.”

“Sup, Mac,” Charlie says lazily. The front door slams shut. Dee offers a nod; Dennis doesn’t react at all, just sort of quietly regards Mac’s ugly red Hawaiian shirt. 

“Guys, I got news,” Mac says as he makes his way to the bar. 

Charlie slams his drink down on the bar. Dennis rolls his eyes, continuing with the paper-thin lime slicing. Mac’s news is rarely interesting, useful, or at all relevant to Dennis in any way. 

“What’s the news?” Frank pipes up, cracking open a beer bottle.

“I have a boyfriend.”

Something hardens in the stale pub air. Dennis’s knuckles whiten around the knife’s handle. Mac has been spending a lot of time out of the apartment over the past couple weeks-- stumbling in at 3am, or wandering in at 10am in yesterday’s clothes-- this makes sense. Usually, Dennis would assume Mac is lying, but all the evidence is there. _Mac has a boyfriend._

“You have a boyfriend? For real?” Dee asks. “Good on you, Mac. I’m happy for you.” 

“Aww, thanks, Dee!”

She points her beady-eyed pointy-nosed face at Dennis. Smirks from underneath her too-much-lipgloss. “See, boner? That’s how you react when someone tells you about something good in their life.”

“Shut the fuck up, Dee,” he retorts, eyes narrowed, throat tight, tone almost growly. Mac is immune.

“What’s his name?” Charlie asks.

“D’we know him?” Frank adds.

“No, you don’t know him. His name’s Sufjan,” Mac says cheerfully. He sits down. Usually, if Dennis was the only person behind the bar (as he is now) he would grab Mac a beer-- but, trying to magnify his silence as much as possible, he does not.

“Sufjan?” Charlie repeats, face wrinkling up. “Isn’t that a kind of cheese?”

“Not everything is about cheese, Charlie,” Dee says, rolling her eyes. “Is he hot, Mac?”

“He’s so hot. He’s like the hottest guy I’ve ever seen.”

Limes, Dennis reminds himself. Slice. Limes. He stabs one instead.

“What does he do?” Frank asks.

“He’s a musician.”

Dennis scowls. Oh, a musician. A sensitive, dopey-eyed, dramatic type with no money, bumming around for booze or weed or angel dust. Just what they need.

(the gang doesn’t date, dennis hears himself think. dee uses and loses, charlie obsesses over the waitress, frank bangs hookers, dennis d.e.n.n.i.s systems-- at least in theory that’s his thing-- and mac? mac jacks off)

“He’s pretty successful,” Mac goes on. He might as well have hearts in his eyes. “He’s Christian too. He’s like, so smart. He says all this stuff about God and music and everything that like, blows my mind. He likes working out too.”

“Did you tell him about your dildo bike?” Dennis asks tightly. “Probably not, huh, ‘cause he would be _long_ gone if you did.”

“He thinks it’s a cool idea,” Mac says cheerfully. 

“Does he.”

“Hey, that’s great, you met someone as weird and annoying as you,” Dee says. “You should bring him over here sometime so we can meet him.”

“Yeah, totally,” Mac agrees.

“Aah-- If he’s a _musician_ I doubt he would get our pub,” Dennis disagrees lightly, fighting to keep his face normal.

Charlie’s face screws up. “What do you mean, _get_ our pub? We’re not giving him our pub, are we?”

“No, Charlie, he meant the guy might not understand what it is we’re doing here,” Frank corrects. He gestures toward Dennis with his beer bottle. “I think you’re right, Dennis. I don’t see how a gay Christian musician would understand Sally’s.”

“Paddy’s, Frank,” Dennis says, almost slipping up and saying ‘dad’ like it’s 2005. 

“He understands so much stuff, guys, he’s so smart,” Mac says. “I gotta go meet him, actually. I just came by to tell you guys and get the new keg since I’m the only one strong enough.”

With narrowed eyes, Dennis watches Mac head over to move the keg. He is absolutely not the only one strong enough. Dennis just likes to let him think that, now that he’s in such good shape. Dennis and Charlie have always been able to move the kegs too. Mac is just being stupid, like usual.

Mac moves it, says a cheerful goodbye, and heads out the door, an unusual spring to his step.

“He’s so goddamn annoying,” Dennis says, shaking his head, going back to the limes. “Why does he think we give a shit who he’s dating?”

“Because we’re his friends, you dick,” Dee says. “You’re such an idiot, Dennis.”

He scoffs. “I’m an idiot? In what way am I an idiot, Dee, you goddamn bitch?”

“I don’t have any desire to explain it to you,” she dismisses, hopping off her bar stool. “Where’s the laptop?”

“Office,” Charlie answers.

Everyone goes about their business. Dennis seethes. 

+

 

“Dennis, you know how Mac said his new boyfriend is a successful musician?” Dee says as she makes her way to the bar, plopping the laptop down with unnecessary vigor.

“I don’t give a shit,” he huffs.

“Okay, well, you should, because it turns out this dude is really famous and rich,” she says, turning the laptop around to show him. He looks at the Wikipedia page for maybe a tenth of a second. Scoffs. Rolls his eyes.

“Your point?”

“I think Mac is lying about dating him,” Dee says, her blue eyes wide and conspiratorial. “Think about it. This guy doesn't even live in Philly and he never commented publicly on his sexuality so he might not even be gay. And Mac keeps making excuses to bring him to the bar. There's no way it's legit.” 

Dennis narrows his eyes as he listens to his sister. Interesting. Maybe he cares a fraction of an amount now. Just because he loves catching people in lies and shit. That's the only reason.

“You think Mac is dating someone pretending to be this singer guy? Mac is really, really stupid.”

“I don't know! Maybe he isn't dating anyone at all and he's just putting up a front so we'll all stop making fun of him for only being gay in theory and not in practice.”

_Only being gay in theory and not in practice_ , Dennis thinks bitterly. Seems like Mac had no problem being gay in practice a few years back. Seems like, back in 2009, Mac had absolutely no issue doing all sorts of gay stuff with Dennis all the time.

(But in the end, they’d mutually had to call that one off. You shouldn’t shit where you eat.)

( _And it was mutual_.)

“Mac is far too stupid to pull that off, Dee.”

“But isn’t it a little weird he hasn’t brought this guy over yet?”

“Mac only told us about this guy two hours ago,” Dennis says impatiently, glancing at his watch to make sure.

“Shit, really? Two hours?” Charlie pipes up. Dennis glances over at him; he hadn’t realized Charlie was still there. “I could’a sworn that was like, a week ago at least.”

“You need to stop drinking cleaning chemicals,” Dee says. “I’m just saying. I don’t think Mac has a boyfriend. If he really had a boyfriend he would’ve been so annoyingly excited about it, he would’ve paraded the guy in here on a damn chariot.”

“You do make a good point,” Dennis remarks, frowning a little. “So what do we do?”

“Do? We don’t do anything,” Dee says. “This is a new low, even for Mac. We don’t need to call him out on it and make the poor guy look all pathetic. We’ll just let it run its course and then eventually he’ll give up the schtick.”

“So we’re just going to let him lie to us?” Dennis demands, balling up the rag he’d been wiping the bar with. “We’re just going to pretend we believe him until he gets tired of it?”

“I mean, it was like, such a _thing_ for him to come out and be comfortable with it and all. I think we let him have this one,” Dee says, cracking open a beer.

“Yeah, man, like, that’s really sad,” Charlie agrees.

Dennis exhales hard through his nose. “I’m going to bring it up,” he insists. “I’m going to tell him we know. Guys, it’s only fair. We have to rip the bandaid off. We can’t just let him lie to us when we know the truth.”

Dee and Charlie exchange glances. Dennis watches, blinking, taking a step back.

“What?” He demands.

“I mean…” Dee trails off, taking a sip of her beer.

“It’s like…” Charlie gestures vaguely.

“God dammit, guys, what?”

“You’re jealous?” Charlie suggests, face all scrunched up.

“Jealous,” Dennis repeats. “Why the fuck would I be jealous? If anything I want Mac to have a boyfriend so he stops trying to kiss me and touch me all the time, and… and so he’s around less and then I won’t have to deal with him,” he sputters.

“You’re so jealous it’s pathetic, Den,” Dee says. “Like, are we really going to go through this again?”

“Go through what again?” Dennis demands.

“This whole thing we did with Mac, the, like, the song and dance routine,” Charlie says. “And it was like, you’re gay, no I’m not, yes you are, yes I am, no I’m not, yes I am, like, now I’m gay and I’m sad about it-- you know? And, like, actually there were song and dance routines for real. Do we really gotta go through that again ‘cause like I’m tired or whatever, man, I’m not really in the mood--”

“That’s because Mac was gay,” Dennis says, almost shouting. “I’m not. I’m straight. You want to see my sex tape drawer? I’m definitely straight. I’ve proven it time and time again. Sexuality is a fluid thing, I wouldn’t expect you two idiots to understand the complexity of-- of--”

“Dennis,” Dee says, putting up her hand to stop her brother. “We do not care. We literally do not care one little tiny bit. Whatever. Just don’t be a dick about it. Mac is living his life, doing his thing-- do your own thing.”

He stares at his sister. Blinks. “Do my own thing,” he repeats. “Since when has any of us ever just let each other get away with shit? If this were any other thing, anything that didn’t have to do with Mac being a special special gay boy, we would be roasting him as a group by now! When I came home from North Dakota you guys had a ton of questions that I didn’t answer! We don’t let each other get away with anything!”

Charlie and Dee exchange another glance. If they so much as look at each other one more time, Dennis thinks--

“We didn’t care about that either,” Charlie says, shrugging. 

“Yeah, I mean, it’s nice to have things back the way they were, and I’m kinda glad to have that Cindy chick gone because she was almost bossier than you and Mac, and that sex doll version of you was creepy as shit so I’m glad that’s gone too, but…” Dee shrugs too. Takes a sip of her beer.

Dennis wants to knock it out of her bony hands. “So this is-- this is, what, the one time you want to be all mature and rational? I have begged all of you for maturity and rationality time and time again, goddammit, and this is the one time you--? Screw you guys.”

He throws the rag down. Leaves the bar; lets the door slam behind him.

He doesn’t have a game plan. Unsure of what else to do, he heads to his car. His replacement forest green ‘93 Range Rover. Because his real one, is... is charred and skeletal. Thanks to those assholes in there. Those assholes who are pretending, for once in their pathetic lives, to be nice decent considerate people. Pathetic.

He starts the car. Right turn, down a few blocks, left turn-- blindly putting distance between himself and the bar. 

He spots one of those tiny drive-through coffee places. Makes a snap decision to get a coffee, black, no calories, nothing but bitter energy-- he takes a long burning sip from it as he drives away, ignoring the way it blazes pain into his tongue. 

Driving recklessly, aimlessly around Philly, he sucks down the piping hot black coffee in minutes. It leaves a gross taste in his mouth, so he fishes around the center console for gum, nearly crashing into a school bus. 

Crisis averted, he blasts whatever is in the car’s CD player. 

_“We’re no strangers to love_  
_You know the rules and so do I_  
_A full commitment’s what I’m thinking of_  
_You wouldn’t get this from any other guy”_

His knuckles whiten around the steering wheel. He starts singing along, full of jittery energy from Too Much Caffeine Too Fast, confused anger still layered over his eyes. 

_“Never gonna give you up  
Never gonna let you down” _

He rolls down the window and throws his empty coffee cup out of it, an open rebellion against anything that dares to give a shit. It’s paper, anyway, he reasons silently, so it’s not like it’s going to ruin the environment or whatever.

Eventually, Dennis starts to run low on gas and stamina. He finds himself two blocks from home, so he finishes the job and finds a parking spot outside the apartment he shares with Mac. He locks his car, jaywalks toward the building, and heads inside.

Up the stairs. Down the hall. Key in the lock.

When he opens the door, Mac is sitting on the couch with some guy, watching TV-- the same TV he watches action movies with Mac on, the same couch they spend most of their downtime on. The couch where routine runs so deep, Mac and Dennis have assigned spots-- 

(and, fuck him, this new guy is sitting in dennis’ spot)

Mac turns around when he hears the door open and grins maybe sixteen percent.

“Hey, Dennis. Babe, this is my roommate, Dennis, Dennis, this is--”

Wits regained, Dennis turns around and leaves the apartment again. Stomps back down the hall. It’s just _annoying_ , to be forty and still living with a roommate, and to have that roommate _have people over_ without _at least a heads-up_ \--

“Dennis, wait!”

He continues toward the staircase.

“Dennis, come on, man, what’s your problem?”

He stops. Turns. Regards Mac. “Who even is this guy, huh? Where the fuck did you meet an allegedly famous musician?”

Mac blinks. Looks confused, deflated, disappointed. “I mean… why do you care, dude?”

“I don’t,” Dennis snaps, turning back around to leave.

“Dennis, come _on_ , don’t be like that-- I thought you were going to be at the bar for a while anyway--”

“Don’t worry about it. I’ll go stay with my sister tonight. Do whatever you want.”

“No, Dennis, come on,” Mac says.

Dennis pauses again. Mac is saying his name an awful lot. A usual sign that Mac is flustered. 

“What can I do?” Mac asks a moment later when it becomes clear that Dennis has no intention of saying anything.

“Come back to the bar with me,” Dennis suggests. 

“Okay,” Mac says immediately. “Sure. I’ll tell him something came up and we have to go deal with it.”

“Tell him whatever you want,” Dennis says impatiently. “I’ll wait in the car.”

+

A few minutes later, Mac opens the passenger side door and gets in, all puppy eyes and pouty mouth.

He shifts his shoulders under his ridiculous Hawaiian shirt. “He broke up with me.”

Dennis warps the relief he feels into a display of sympathy. “Aww, buddy. I’m sorry. Tough break. Men are pigs, you know? That’s what Dee’s always saying and she has more experience with them than you do. Let’s get a bottle of tequila and rent a movie, okay? Would that make you feel better?”

Mac’s eyebrows lift. “Really, Den? You’re such a good friend.”

Dennis reaches over and pats Mac’s shoulder before starting the car. “I know I am, bud.”

**Author's Note:**

> sorry ..... bout ......... this :') follow me at golden-geese.tumblr.com if this didnt just absolutely disgust u :') if u DID somehow enjoy this dumpster fire plz consider leaving a comment!!!!!!!


End file.
